I Woke Crying Again Captain Crunch
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
It's 4pm, Thursday afternoon. I'm hunched over the 13th (!) bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch I've had in four days. My brain feels as soggy and limp every bit the little squares soaking in the milk beneath me, and on a scale of one to GERRREEEEAAAAAAAAAAT, my stomach is a solid "You're on your own, dude." This is life on the Cereal Cleanse.
Last week, in response to the semi-recent and doubtable-at-best "millennials-hate-cereal" coverage, I embarked on a regimented, cereal-exclusive diet for seven days. That'due south 21 informal meals of but my favorite Well-Balanced Breakfast™ in a bowl. My goal was to bring awareness to millennial sensation of cereal, and besides, I just wanted to see what would happen. Guys, I went full coo-coo.
Mean solar day ane, Mon: I'chiliad living a blessed life
I'm late for work, so I begin my first cereal-but day on the subway with Froot Loops (every bit dramatically recreated to a higher place). Commonly, I consume approximately two,000 calories a day. To go on my diet stabilized, I want to match that number as best I can. This means I need to eat virtually 13-fifteen measured standard serving sizes of cereal with a half-cup of skim milk each and every mean solar day. I also programme to add in fruit to one repast a twenty-four hour period. You know, then I don't die.
I feel fine. For lunch, I throw caution to the wind and eat two bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I'yard living a blessed life. For dinner, I accept more Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC from here on out). I've had nine bowls of CTC today, fell well nether my average daily calorie count (I'g hitting about 1,400), and feel satisfied. This is great. I get running, like I ordinarily exercise on Mondays, and head to bed smiling with a spoon in my mitt and milk in my spoon. I'll have to wash my sheets tomorrow. I'thousand pleased with what life and cereal are giving me. Which reminds me I demand to option upwardly some Life cereal at some point. It's a classic.
Twenty-four hour period 2, Tuesday: I all the same feel pretty good!
I feel a little sluggish in the morning, merely my free energy'due south speedily rejuvenated when I crevice open a fresh box of Lucky Charms for breakfast. I have ii bowls, and hum on pure, high-fructose Irish luck until lunchtime, when I toss back one bowl of Special K with some banana slices. Overall, I'chiliad feeling pretty expert, and I think this is a damn fine idea. Though licensed dietitian Jennifer Christman disagrees.
"A lot of mass-produced cereals are fortified with many of the vitamins and minerals you demand," she tells me, "but there's no mode yous can go everything you demand without a well-balanced diet." She says this very gently, after politely laughing at me. Though, with my current intake, I become about 80-120g of protein in my skim milk, which is right where I need to be. Also, my calcium intake is a-booming. My basic accept never felt girthier.
This evening I eat a bowl of Kix. A really weird, sweet taste overwhelms my rima oris as I settle into sleep. Part of me thinks it's just my new toothpaste, another thinks it might be foreshadowing. That like, maybe this cereal affair was a bad idea. In the middle of the night, I take hold of a handful of CTC on my way back from the bathroom. Information technology's still good. My fears are assuaged. For at least one more day.
Twenty-four hours 3, Wednesday: I crave fruits and vegetables
I eat my morning time meal with two millennial co-workers who were inspired to take up the spoon with me in solidarity. The support feels good. Simply, I discover myself suddenly repulsed past CTC, delicious as it is, because I've eaten like, 2lb of it in the past 48 hours. I eat Frosted Flakes instead, then Special G with fruit again for tiffin, and an extra basin of Raisin Bran, to keep me regular. Cereal has kind of lost its gustatory modality for me, though. I'yard actively peckish fruits and vegetables. I tell Christman my symptoms. "Here, you are probably experiencing nutrient fatigue -- your body is trying to intuitively tell you what information technology'due south lacking, what it needs," she says.
The time I spend eating has drastically reduced, equally cereal is a quick meal. I am more productive. For dinner, I swallow Cap'n Crunch with soy milk, which apparently, was Prince's favorite combination. I practice this while listening to Imperial Rain. RIP to a boyfriend cereal connoisseur. I welcome the soy milk, as I feel sick from the corporeality of dairy I've consumed. I accept trouble running, and go home early. I weigh myself before I get to bed -- I've lost 2lb. My mouth is torn upward from repeated Cap'due north Crunch lashings. I swear the cereal off, as my immune arrangement is lowered, and I cannot take the risk.
Day 4, Thursday: Focusing is a thing of the past
It is the halfway point of my oat-filled hero's journey and I have striking a wall. Weird things are happening. I'1000 having a hell of a fourth dimension focusing. I detect myself standing upward and walking around. I talk to people I don't unremarkably talk to, and my words are senseless. I force myself to eat plain Rice Krispies. I practise and then without milk. The sheer amount of milk I am ingesting is making me feel nauseated, as I normally merely swallow dairy in my coffee. I feel like Manny Pacquiao is using my gallbladder equally a speed handbag.
Technically, oatmeal is chosen hot cereal. I've never heard anyone actually call information technology hot cereal, but somehow I know that someone out there calls it hot cereal. I am in too much pain to have this debate right now, though. I'm sure if I don't switch things up my insides might shrivel like the Grinch's heart before he loved Christmas. For tiffin, I accept instant oatmeal with apples and bananas placed in it, like picayune nutritious land mines in a field of ready-made, steamy garbage. For dinner, I strength myself to eat Smacks.
"You are probably experiencing brain fog," Christman says. "Your blood sugar is spiking then dropping, yous aren't getting the nutrients you demand." I'k beginning to think: is all this cereal as well much of a practiced thing? Take I, like Icarus, flown too shut to the sun, merely to see my wings burnt off in a horrible blaze of Franken Berries? Am I literally going insane right now?
24-hour interval five, Fri: My outlook is dour
I cannot carry to potable whatsoever more milk, so I eat my Frosted Flakes breakfast serving raw dog, no liquid. I've lost my lucky spoon. Information technology'south incommunicable to get piece of work done, and I feel slightly intoxicated. I crave weird and random foods and flavors. I notice myself wanting to taste ketchup. I smell a phantom plate of celery. My peckish for meat has reached meridian levels and every bit I walk through the meat-filled speciality marketplace Dean & Deluca in Manhattan to get coffee, my mouth waters so much a guy must follow me effectually with a mop.
Today, I rely on the clemency of co-workers, equally several of them meet with me in cereal solidarity at the first (maybe bi-annual?) Thrillist Cereal Tiffin to prove that cereal is very much still alive in the hearts of the immature. I take Rice Krispies with friends, so do my best not to pass out until the end of the day. For dinner I put homemade granola -- made by my colleague Elaheh -- in milk with some bananas considering I worry I'one thousand going to get gout or scurvy or maybe both. It counts equally cereal, OK?
Day half dozen, Saturday: I never thought information technology would become this bad
I wake up and don't do much for a while. I experience OK, actually. I practise errands and so get running. My legs feel every bit if they are submerged in a bowl of soggy Wheaties -- and I don't get far. After, I eat a basin of Special K. I eat some beerios (cereal -- in this case, Rice Krispies -- with beer equally milk) to pregame for the night. I do non bask this.
I drank alcohol only in one case during the week, and felt its effects fast because I'thousand eating way less than I ordinarily eat. I go out to the bars this particular Sat and feel similar myself, perchance, fifty-fifty, a piddling more than charming than usual (probably riding the dizzying summit of sugar high). I try to drink a beer, simply feel weak immediately, and want to go home. When I become home, I eat a serving size each of Reese'south Puffs, Cocoa Puffs, Pops, Waffle Well-baked, and Rice Krispie Treats cereal in a large ol' Frankenstein combo bowl. A supercut of 'existent might reinvigorate my quest and push button me through the finish line in trademark style, like Hashemite kingdom of jordan winking at the Philadelphia demote.
I fall asleep apace subsequently, clutching my tummy and cursing the 24-hour interval I decided to become spoon-deep in the surprisingly night world of supermarket oats and grains. I cry a trivial, to be honest. I manage to put up just over 2,000 cals today. A new record high... going out with a bang.
Day 7, Sunday: My brain may never be the same
I wake up. Eat two bowls of dry Waff. I think here, at the end of all things, I might have found some peace in my journeying. Some zen among the hordes of rice crisps and carbohydrate assurance and fake marshmallows. Ultimately, I retrieve I proved my point, though, at present I kind of forget what that betoken was, or if I even had a point. I requite myself a final weigh-in -- I've lost 5lb in one calendar week, only the mental price this cleanse has taken surprises me the most. I am slower, more air-headed, and less able to focus. I feel like Charlie from Flowers for Algernon, and like him, I hope they let me go along my job when this is all done.
To finish off the Cereal Cleanse, I hit Momofuku Milk Bar for cereal water ice foam. Every bit I eat information technology, I reverberate back on the 81 (yes, 81) bowls of cereal I consumed over the terminal week. I ended up averaging approximately ane,735 calories of cereal a day. I had carbohydrate-blasted highs, and soggy-bottom lows, but one affair is for certain: I'll probably never eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch again. All groovy things, even cereal, should be enjoyed in moderation.
"I wouldn't recommend this cleanse, or diet," Christman says. "Information technology's not very salubrious. Cereal has a identify in our diet, simply perhaps one bowl a mean solar day. And a healthier option than most of the kinds you've been eating."
I can only hope I don't feel like this for the rest of my life.
"If you don't get better in a few days, contact a medical professional."
Volition do.
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Wil Fulton is a staff writer for Thrillist. He actually but ate cereal again. Follow him: @wilfulton.
Source: https://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/i-ate-nothing-but-cereal-for-a-week-heres-what-happened
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